Who Am I?

Funny how not having a job and a designation makes me wonder about myself and my identity. Even funnier is the realization that no one forced me into this, it was completely my own call and my own wish to end that part of my career. I wanted to write, not to think how I can mould the client’s requirement into a spanking, wonderful new learning module. Or courses as we used to call them.

Now, I struggle to write and ponder mostly about how I can work from the comfort of my new home, with its new internet system, with a thousand things I am not familiar with. I think this feeling of discontent bordering on despair is something that’s caught on after reading Arlington Park. I cannot dissect what I’ve read and re-shape it into sentences that describe what I feel about a book but utter hopelessness and the gray feeling personified by each woman’s state of mind and embodied by the weather is what stands out the most to me. Perhaps I ought to read it again a few times, separated by a gap of a few years before I start to identify with the book. The feelings are entirely complex, so much that they’re sometimes beyond my grasp. I can just about skim the surface of each protagonist and her own private little world full of its own secrets and mystery, but I cannot understand. Which is how the mind works, I suppose. I try to find something that explains and something that’s a straightforward message to everyone but this book reminds me that it’s life we’re talking about and each interconnected being is made up of a billion little molecules and the resulting fusion does not necessarily mean there is harmony between the molecules. If you go deeper, you find billions of atoms and a realm of possibilities that it can go on splitting into a sequence of minuteness and you still won’t have discovered it all.
That probably says a little bit about my feelings in regard to Arlington Park. It is a fine book and the technical nature of writing does tend to impress more on my mind as I tend to get a bit lost in the overwhelming thoughts that are going inside each woman’s head. I think the summary behind the book kind of oversimplified it and I thought it was another thing altogether. Going through it makes me realize how many more galaxies are out there and how little I have experienced.